Today is a rest day. Picking up with back, chest, and legs over the weekend. Looked at my legs this morning and had veins popping all over the place. Next six weeks’ focus is legs, shoulders, and triceps. I have been consistent in my eating and hoping to see some gains in the next few weeks. I need to take measurements today at some point.
On the other front, I have a huge Microbiology test on Monday. Gram positive cocci and rods, entereobacteriacea, pseudonomads, and a random hodgepodge of other gram negatived rods plus anaerobes in my rotation. I hate microbiology just a little bit. 18 weeks till I’m able to take my boards and be a real clinical laboratory scientist. Blood bank seems to be where I’m good at and what I enjoy the most. A day of rest from the gym but in high gear for my internship. Almost done!
As the minutes pass by, it may become an eternity. Things aren’t looking better. I hurt more now than ever. I pray that this pass. Perhaps I’ve lost this war. All of my soldiers gone. The battlefield empty and full of stories. They will speak of this day. It will be the day of “The Great Surrender”. Fallen lives. Oh how great the loss. Loss of life. Oh how sad the day
There is a place a time
Where you fit
When you realize
That this is it
That moment
Momentous and fragile
All the time you spent
Pretending to be casual
Creates a life of mediocrity
Yet still at odds with reality
That moment is framed
Posted for all to see
That moment is blamed
For everything you ought not to be
Regret, does it fill you?
Besides it’s what you had go do
That moment never lies
It never let’s you forget
No matter how hard you try
There will never be enough distance
Between now and then
The beginning and end
The moment is forever
Etched into who your core
Around you it will tether
Until you can bear no more
Or instead endure
That moment is a part you
But you it is not
You just get stronger. Limited everything. I got an invite to a conference for students interested in PA school. It would be a good way to network. But yet again, life gets in the way of me living. I have to work. It’s hard to do anything with work, my internship, and school. I’ve most of my days planning for the end of life. I don’t expect to be around in the next year or so. Either by my own hand or due to the summation of unknown parameters. I haven’t really worked out a reason for anything yet. That’s not say that everything has a reason though. But I am human and therefore conditioned to believe some pretty unbelievable(read: impractical) things. I fight the good fight as always waiting for that moment to come when I open my eyes. I look forward to the day I view life not as an obligation, but a privilege in its own right. But the struggle of this life has blinded me to that. I’ve had to struggle for basic existence. Though it may not have been as hard as someone else. Nonetheless, my life and its circumstances exist separately from anything and anyone else. That’s makes them very personal and therefore very powerful. I can lose myself in memories of things that have happened. I’ve tried to keep looking forward. My head always turns for some reason. I’m not unhappy most of the time. I’d dare say that I’m happy though. I’m always getting someplace which seems to be the theme of my life. I look to past because my present is the end of previous journey. It comforts me to look back on the things that have happened and see some resolution. At the moment, it feels as if it will never end. The constant everything all the time. Nondescript, I know. That’s mostly what this whole thing is about. Not knowing or understanding. But purpose is made and not given. Understanding is the same as well. Perhaps if I make it to older age when all has settled, I can look back, once again, with understanding and not solace. A life of solace, seeks comfort from outside. A life of understanding has comfort form within.
I was so pumped to train. Gotta make it up Monday and Tuesday somehow. Shoulder and arms on monday followed by legs on tuesday maybe.
I’m a month and half into my program at the hospital. So far, so good. I made it through my first rotation, phlebotomy. It turned out not to be as bad as I thought. My next rotation is in the chemistry department. They handed me a three inch binder that was completely filled with papers. This rotation is supposed to be the easiest. The difficult part is the quantity of information rather then the quality of it. I have to master a lot of machines, troubleshoot them, and perform quality assurance of all the results I release. Aside from my rotations, I have lectures in immunohematology, hematology, and urinalysis. I’ve had my eyes glued to a microscope for the last week doing white cell differentials. The coolest part is screening for WBC abnormalities such as leukemia. We start RBC morphology next week. That’s when the real work begins with rotations and lectures.
I’ve been focusing more on work than anything else. I haven’t gone out in a long time and my previous relationship ended. I can’t really say I’m unhappy with the way things are. I am getting older so I should be putting more effort into my personal and social life. I’ve been unbalanced my whole life. Turning 25 seems like the perfect time to become a well functioning human being. I take things as they come. Stress less and laugh more.
So painfully aware of everything underneath my skin. Every passing second makes it harder to pretend. I turn from the falling stars and climb away from the buckling earth. My senses drowned out by my racing thoughts. Nails on a chalkboard, I sit and I wait. Always waiting for the sun to shine. I drift in nothingness hoping for something more. Again I’m here. I’m always here.
Chest, Shoulders, and traps
25 pushups as warmup
Bench Press Barbell Shoulder press
Incline Bench press Dumbell Lateral raise
Decline Fly Bent-over Lateral Raise
Cable Fly Barbell Shrugs
In my interview, they asked me if I had made any mistakes. Of course I said no. There are no mistakes. There are only learning experiences. That’s only half true. They excitement for the future as turned into bewilderment. The realization of life has hit me. I’ve been on my own for while now with no support from anyone. But again, that’s only half true. I had no support from individuals. But I had support from my universities(South Carolina and Linyi). I’ve never had to foot the bill for my expenses 100%. But now I do. I’m barely making it as it is with just the basics. On top of trying to work, I have a 40 hour internship starting next month. Studying, working, interning. I”m not sure if I can do it all and still pay bills. The debt I’m in, school loans and credit card loans, aren’t overwhelming. The time to pay them is less demanding than rent, insurance, gas, food, and electricity. I don’t pay those things, they get taken away. I still have no furniture in my place because I haven’t had the money to buy any. I’ve been applying for a second job but when would I be able to work? I don’t have the time to make more money and I don’t have the money to make more time. There are many things I need that I am going without. Perhaps I will need to get a roommate. That’s the next logical step in this entire process. The pain of growing up…
Tonight’s training session will focus on back, abs, and calves. What’s lined up you ask?
Deadlifts, Single Arm Row, Lat pulldown, Pull over
All for the back. 3 sets of 8 to 12.
